Tonight, at bedtime, my youngest son, Zachary, was giving me a hard time about getting ready for bed. I said to him that Santa was watching him. He suddenly started to cry softly, something that he does not do very often, yet, there seemed to be a deep pain that came with his tears.
He hid his face and said: SANTA IS A FAKE!
Those words hit me hard... like a dagger through my heart...then I became numb...in my head I heard the words:
"Christmas is just thirty days away"!
I knew this because my 16 year old daughter kept saying that to me earlier today. "Christmas is just thirty days away"..."Christmas is just thirty days away"...
Then visions came rushing through my head...Christmas flashing before my eyes...my little children leaving cookies out for Santa and sprinkling reindeer dust on our front lawn on Christmas Eve., trying to stay awake to catch Santa, running to see what Santa left for them on Christmas morning...the anticipation and excitement...
...the expectation and fulfillment.
It was just a few days ago that Zachary and his 10 year old brother, Ian (who did not have such a crisis at the age of 8) cut out catalog photos of the toys they wanted. They pasted them on paper so they could send them to Santa. Even if Ian, at the age of 10, wonders if Santa is real, I know he still "wants to believe". I wondered if Zach still wanted to believe. I still want him to believe.
"Santa is a FAKE!" resounded in my head!
Those delightful Christmas images were GONE...in an instant...with those words..."A FAKE"!
Of course, I looked at him and said stupidly: "WHO said that to you?" ...as I thought about some little third grade Grinch teasing him about believing in Santa...I saw this dirty faced little boy screaming in Zach's face on the playground saying: "Santa is a fake! Santa is a fake!" And there was Zach standing there trying to hold back the tears as he realized that it wasn't Santa that is a fake, but, his parents who are LIARS!
Zach never said how he heard or came to know that "Santa is a fake!". It's likely that he just started putting things together. It could have started last summer when the tooth fairy forgot to take his tooth and leave him something. I remember how he kept looking under his pillow for his "tooth fairy surprise" and then threw his pillow down in disappointment. When I asked him why he was upset, he said nothing.
Zach did not seem to want to share how he came to know that "Santa is a fake". At that moment, it really did not matter how he came to know. I knew in his heart, he felt empty.
So, I said to Zachary in desperation to fix it: "Only the MALL Santas are fake...you know that...the real Santa is the one we can't see". Then I went on further and said "remember, if we don't believe than we don't get presents from Santa".
MORE LIES! I thought, maybe I should stop right there and tell him the truth. He is way too smart. Yet, I continued the lie and even brought Katie, his 16 year old sister into the lie. She immediately went into rescue mode...and said "of course there is a Santa, I believe in Santa!". I could hear those frantic thoughts running through her head...if Zach doesn't believe in Santa, what will happen to Christmas?" Having a little brother was insurance that there will be presents for Katie too on Christmas morning.
So the lies continued... Because, I could not come up with a good way of breaking it to him...I wanted to say more than "yep, Santa is a fake...that's why we are so broke...all those Christmases past, on the old santa credit card".
So, I just looked at his sniffling little face and shrugged my shoulders and said that "Santa will come this Christmas and it's better if we believe. I believe." Then I said: "and we believe that Jesus will come this Christmas anyway". Then I was thinking...having one of those existential moments...and thought, would if he says: "Jesus is a fake".
Then for sure, I will have no answer.
It should not be so complicated for an 8 year old boy. And certainly...it should not be so complicated for mothers who want their 8 year old boys to always believe in the magic of Christmas.
And Jesus.
Tonight, Zach is all nestled in his bed and I sit and wonder how we will make it through this "recession" Christmas...I wonder, will he come this Christmas? Will He come this Christmas? I have been waiting a very long time but I don't think that I have believed in a very long time...
I will wait...I will wait with Zachary...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Nativity
Among the oxen (like an ox I'm slow)
I see a glory in the stable grow
Which, with the ox's dullness might at length
Give me an ox's strength.
Among the asses (stubborn I as they)
I see my Saviour where I looked for hay;
So may my beast like folly learn at least
The patience of a beast.
Among the sheep (I like a sheep have strayed)
I watch the manger where my Lord is laid;
Oh that my baa-ing nature would win thence
Some woolly innocence!
(Clive Staples) C. S. LewisInto The Wardrobe
 |
| Christmas Morning...He came! |
