The empty nest blues...Sending my third born to college.
When each one of my children was born I suffered from post partum depression for about six weeks. As I left my third child at college - 5 hours away...I feel the same as I did those days after his birth. Overwhelming love and sadness. My mother called it the baby blues. Today I have a real bad case of the college blues (or empty nest blues)!
Sunday, September 4, 2016
Friday, July 22, 2016
Grateful
Today I need to pause. Get beyond the swirl of things around me I cannot control. There is so much to be distressed about...the worry about my job (will I have the strength to start over???), the worry about my 4 children (loans, leaving home, finding peace, finishing high school, making friends, not isolating, jobs, health, mental health, relationships...) the worry about my aging parents, the worry about friends who are far away, friends who are homeless, friends who will be homeless, the world, the election, others.... ENOUGH!
Today I am grateful for...
1. Sleepy furry friends Stella and Stan.
2. Aging parents who still manage to get out in the morning and toddle around from appointment to appointment. Keeping the stress of care-taking to themselves.
3. Nieces and nephews too many to count - the random text, snap, instagram of their smiles.
4. Rages that have dissipated. The managing of emotions - anger is ok - it is not a breaking dam, an explosion, but, a discontent that eases without a scene. So huge a difference I forget to notice. For me and for Zach.
5. Air conditioning
6. Eggs in the morning - my go-to animal protein sustains me and tastes so good.
7. Yoga - found at this ancient age of 53 to add strength to my spine, ease my pain, calm my mind. New found flexiblity.
8. MOMENTS - dinner with kids, breakfast with my boys, a drink with a friend, all four together for a moment...
9. Hope - it is still there off in the distance...maybe I will start up a career or build on the one I already have worked so hard to sustain...although losing my connection to the passion...hope that there will be connection.
10. Knowing that connection will happen. Again.
11. Tears that suddenly fall onto my bolster - connection to something unexpected.
12. Finding new again.
Today I need to pause. Get beyond the swirl of things around me I cannot control. There is so much to be distressed about...the worry about my job (will I have the strength to start over???), the worry about my 4 children (loans, leaving home, finding peace, finishing high school, making friends, not isolating, jobs, health, mental health, relationships...) the worry about my aging parents, the worry about friends who are far away, friends who are homeless, friends who will be homeless, the world, the election, others.... ENOUGH!
Today I am grateful for...
1. Sleepy furry friends Stella and Stan.
2. Aging parents who still manage to get out in the morning and toddle around from appointment to appointment. Keeping the stress of care-taking to themselves.
3. Nieces and nephews too many to count - the random text, snap, instagram of their smiles.
4. Rages that have dissipated. The managing of emotions - anger is ok - it is not a breaking dam, an explosion, but, a discontent that eases without a scene. So huge a difference I forget to notice. For me and for Zach.
5. Air conditioning
6. Eggs in the morning - my go-to animal protein sustains me and tastes so good.
7. Yoga - found at this ancient age of 53 to add strength to my spine, ease my pain, calm my mind. New found flexiblity.
8. MOMENTS - dinner with kids, breakfast with my boys, a drink with a friend, all four together for a moment...
9. Hope - it is still there off in the distance...maybe I will start up a career or build on the one I already have worked so hard to sustain...although losing my connection to the passion...hope that there will be connection.
10. Knowing that connection will happen. Again.
11. Tears that suddenly fall onto my bolster - connection to something unexpected.
12. Finding new again.
Monday, September 9, 2013
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The Before and After picture...I still have a ways to go, but, so far, I am feeling great! My arthritis pain is gone. I can actually get out of bed without having to roll over and get out slowly to avoid lower back pain. My blood work came back great for cholesterol, HDL and LDL. I am running up to 15 miles a week - something I could not do when I was obese.
Monday, May 13, 2013
Becoming a Nutritarian:
My journey began on February 11, 2013. I have decided to share my experiences here by starting with photos that I hid on my computer - this is me after 20 years of gradual weight gain and living the Standard American Diet (SAD).
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| December 2012 |
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September 2012
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| October 2012 - with my daughters |
In January 2012 I became a vegetarian. I quickly learned that it was easy to be an unhealthy vegetarian. After several serious gallbladder attacks I had my GB removed on May 1, 2012. I continued on a path toward borderline high cholesterol and glucose levels and arthritis. In December, 2012 I hit my all time highest weight of 206 pounds. Since February 11, 2013 I have had amazing success with Dr. Joel Fuhrman's Eat to Live Nutritarian lifestyle. Soon I will start sharing my progress - along with the challenges to stay on track to a better life. By the way....these are difficult photos to post - when I saw them for the first time, I could not believe that the person in these photos was me. Looking at them made me realize that I had been living outside of myself.
I am at the beginning of my journey - finally, I can say that I am no longer obese...the first layer is gone. Now on to the next layer. I hope my journey will inspire others.
Peace, Diane
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Saturday, May 14, 2011
"Ladies" Night Out!
Yesterday - Friday - start with no plans for the evening...a welcome thought to my busy life. Mid day a text comes - it's my BFF (30 plus years and counting) -
Text from BFF: "Whatcha doin tonight? Want to go to Ladies Night Out? The Art Center is one of the businesses participating"
My reply: "Sounds fun"
My next text: "Oldest child (my college student home for her first weekend of summer) gonna come but husband can get her if she feels weird n can't drink at the ladydrunk fest (in other words - weird because it's for "ladies" and "ladies" usually means mid life women looking to get out of the house on friday night.)
I was right.
Waiting for BFF to pick us up and passing the time by trying out new, smaller, easier to carry, less intimidating, camera....
End of great night - together with my favorite "Polish girls with Irish names"....
Text from BFF: "Whatcha doin tonight? Want to go to Ladies Night Out? The Art Center is one of the businesses participating"
My reply: "Sounds fun"
My next text: "Oldest child (my college student home for her first weekend of summer) gonna come but husband can get her if she feels weird n can't drink at the ladydrunk fest (in other words - weird because it's for "ladies" and "ladies" usually means mid life women looking to get out of the house on friday night.)
I was right.
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| Self Portrait #1 |
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| Self Portrait #2 |
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| Self Portrait #3 |
7pm - Our BFF driver arrives -
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| "Hop on in Gals".....(that is a VERY |
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| Lots of ladies with red bags...- traipsing through town looking for the next glass of wine....not kidding! That's us...we liked the FREE cupcakes, chocolate, Zumba lesson, and plants! Ok, the sangria was kind of good - but oldest under age child opted for a glass of Ginger Ale because she has learned to appreciate a good glass of Ginger Ale! |
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| We did GIGGLE - check out cute little girl shoes on rack - start them out early... |
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| Hanging out with wiser and older women....so it appears! |
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| After party celebration - BFFs toast |
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Monday, September 20, 2010
"connected"
The pot is for soup - which keeps my family connected.
A few years ago we started a winter ritual - Saturday soup night. We had tried the Friday night movie night which turned into girl scout meeting night, mom and dad are too exhausted to watch a movie night, high school activity night - you get the picture - Friday movie night went by the wayside. Our life filled Fridays up. So then it became Saturday soup night. It started when I spied a Paula Dean magazine cover with her Tortilla soup recipe. My daughter and I decided we would try her soup on Saturday evening. It has now become a regular at our winter Saturday soup nights (and many other nights we need to feel connected). My kids now ask for soup on other days of the week - and even in the middle of summer. I wonder if it is a symptom of feeling disconnected?
Today it's going to be chicken chili soup - the smell of chili, garlic and cumin are wafting through my home. It's not Saturday and it's not winter - it's Monday - I am leaving on a business trip. I must need to feel connected.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Sledding - February 15, 2010
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| All about the hats.... |
Grab Your Snow Pants!
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| Ian Bumps..... |
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| Zachary smiles...... |
Sometimes we just have to drop everything and go out in the cold winter and enjoy its cool crispness. Monday was a holiday - President's Day - and we were all doing the usual at home - video games, social networking on our computers, tv watching...blah, blah, blah. I realized that winter would soon be over and I had not captured a single moment of winter on my camera. As an avid scrapbooker, I had to create a moment! So I grabbed my camera and called for the kids - "grab your snowpants, we're going sledding". Of course, homework had to be done first, so they quickly got to work. The anticipation of sledding made the homework much easier.
These are only a few moments on the sledding hill.It was cold, but, a beautiful afternoon.
Sunday, November 30, 2008
Waiting For Christmas
November 17, 2008
Tonight, at bedtime, my youngest son, Zachary, was giving me a hard time about getting ready for bed. I said to him that Santa was watching him. He suddenly started to cry softly, something that he does not do very often, yet, there seemed to be a deep pain that came with his tears.
He hid his face and said: SANTA IS A FAKE!
Those words hit me hard... like a dagger through my heart...then I became numb...in my head I heard the words:
"Christmas is just thirty days away"!
I knew this because my 16 year old daughter kept saying that to me earlier today. "Christmas is just thirty days away"..."Christmas is just thirty days away"...
Then visions came rushing through my head...Christmas flashing before my eyes...my little children leaving cookies out for Santa and sprinkling reindeer dust on our front lawn on Christmas Eve., trying to stay awake to catch Santa, running to see what Santa left for them on Christmas morning...the anticipation and excitement...
...the expectation and fulfillment.
It was just a few days ago that Zachary and his 10 year old brother, Ian (who did not have such a crisis at the age of 8) cut out catalog photos of the toys they wanted. They pasted them on paper so they could send them to Santa. Even if Ian, at the age of 10, wonders if Santa is real, I know he still "wants to believe". I wondered if Zach still wanted to believe. I still want him to believe.
"Santa is a FAKE!" resounded in my head!
Those delightful Christmas images were GONE...in an instant...with those words..."A FAKE"!
Of course, I looked at him and said stupidly: "WHO said that to you?" ...as I thought about some little third grade Grinch teasing him about believing in Santa...I saw this dirty faced little boy screaming in Zach's face on the playground saying: "Santa is a fake! Santa is a fake!" And there was Zach standing there trying to hold back the tears as he realized that it wasn't Santa that is a fake, but, his parents who are LIARS!
Zach never said how he heard or came to know that "Santa is a fake!". It's likely that he just started putting things together. It could have started last summer when the tooth fairy forgot to take his tooth and leave him something. I remember how he kept looking under his pillow for his "tooth fairy surprise" and then threw his pillow down in disappointment. When I asked him why he was upset, he said nothing.
Zach did not seem to want to share how he came to know that "Santa is a fake". At that moment, it really did not matter how he came to know. I knew in his heart, he felt empty.
So, I said to Zachary in desperation to fix it: "Only the MALL Santas are fake...you know that...the real Santa is the one we can't see". Then I went on further and said "remember, if we don't believe than we don't get presents from Santa".
MORE LIES! I thought, maybe I should stop right there and tell him the truth. He is way too smart. Yet, I continued the lie and even brought Katie, his 16 year old sister into the lie. She immediately went into rescue mode...and said "of course there is a Santa, I believe in Santa!". I could hear those frantic thoughts running through her head...if Zach doesn't believe in Santa, what will happen to Christmas?" Having a little brother was insurance that there will be presents for Katie too on Christmas morning.
So the lies continued... Because, I could not come up with a good way of breaking it to him...I wanted to say more than "yep, Santa is a fake...that's why we are so broke...all those Christmases past, on the old santa credit card".
So, I just looked at his sniffling little face and shrugged my shoulders and said that "Santa will come this Christmas and it's better if we believe. I believe." Then I said: "and we believe that Jesus will come this Christmas anyway". Then I was thinking...having one of those existential moments...and thought, would if he says: "Jesus is a fake".
Then for sure, I will have no answer.
It should not be so complicated for an 8 year old boy. And certainly...it should not be so complicated for mothers who want their 8 year old boys to always believe in the magic of Christmas.
And Jesus.
Tonight, Zach is all nestled in his bed and I sit and wonder how we will make it through this "recession" Christmas...I wonder, will he come this Christmas? Will He come this Christmas? I have been waiting a very long time but I don't think that I have believed in a very long time...
I will wait...I will wait with Zachary...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Nativity
Among the oxen (like an ox I'm slow)
I see a glory in the stable grow
Which, with the ox's dullness might at length
Give me an ox's strength.
Among the asses (stubborn I as they)
I see my Saviour where I looked for hay;
So may my beast like folly learn at least
The patience of a beast.
Among the sheep (I like a sheep have strayed)
I watch the manger where my Lord is laid;
Oh that my baa-ing nature would win thence
Some woolly innocence!
(Clive Staples) C. S. LewisInto The Wardrobe
Tonight, at bedtime, my youngest son, Zachary, was giving me a hard time about getting ready for bed. I said to him that Santa was watching him. He suddenly started to cry softly, something that he does not do very often, yet, there seemed to be a deep pain that came with his tears.
He hid his face and said: SANTA IS A FAKE!
Those words hit me hard... like a dagger through my heart...then I became numb...in my head I heard the words:
"Christmas is just thirty days away"!
I knew this because my 16 year old daughter kept saying that to me earlier today. "Christmas is just thirty days away"..."Christmas is just thirty days away"...
Then visions came rushing through my head...Christmas flashing before my eyes...my little children leaving cookies out for Santa and sprinkling reindeer dust on our front lawn on Christmas Eve., trying to stay awake to catch Santa, running to see what Santa left for them on Christmas morning...the anticipation and excitement...
...the expectation and fulfillment.
It was just a few days ago that Zachary and his 10 year old brother, Ian (who did not have such a crisis at the age of 8) cut out catalog photos of the toys they wanted. They pasted them on paper so they could send them to Santa. Even if Ian, at the age of 10, wonders if Santa is real, I know he still "wants to believe". I wondered if Zach still wanted to believe. I still want him to believe.
"Santa is a FAKE!" resounded in my head!
Those delightful Christmas images were GONE...in an instant...with those words..."A FAKE"!
Of course, I looked at him and said stupidly: "WHO said that to you?" ...as I thought about some little third grade Grinch teasing him about believing in Santa...I saw this dirty faced little boy screaming in Zach's face on the playground saying: "Santa is a fake! Santa is a fake!" And there was Zach standing there trying to hold back the tears as he realized that it wasn't Santa that is a fake, but, his parents who are LIARS!
Zach never said how he heard or came to know that "Santa is a fake!". It's likely that he just started putting things together. It could have started last summer when the tooth fairy forgot to take his tooth and leave him something. I remember how he kept looking under his pillow for his "tooth fairy surprise" and then threw his pillow down in disappointment. When I asked him why he was upset, he said nothing.
Zach did not seem to want to share how he came to know that "Santa is a fake". At that moment, it really did not matter how he came to know. I knew in his heart, he felt empty.
So, I said to Zachary in desperation to fix it: "Only the MALL Santas are fake...you know that...the real Santa is the one we can't see". Then I went on further and said "remember, if we don't believe than we don't get presents from Santa".
MORE LIES! I thought, maybe I should stop right there and tell him the truth. He is way too smart. Yet, I continued the lie and even brought Katie, his 16 year old sister into the lie. She immediately went into rescue mode...and said "of course there is a Santa, I believe in Santa!". I could hear those frantic thoughts running through her head...if Zach doesn't believe in Santa, what will happen to Christmas?" Having a little brother was insurance that there will be presents for Katie too on Christmas morning.
So the lies continued... Because, I could not come up with a good way of breaking it to him...I wanted to say more than "yep, Santa is a fake...that's why we are so broke...all those Christmases past, on the old santa credit card".
So, I just looked at his sniffling little face and shrugged my shoulders and said that "Santa will come this Christmas and it's better if we believe. I believe." Then I said: "and we believe that Jesus will come this Christmas anyway". Then I was thinking...having one of those existential moments...and thought, would if he says: "Jesus is a fake".
Then for sure, I will have no answer.
It should not be so complicated for an 8 year old boy. And certainly...it should not be so complicated for mothers who want their 8 year old boys to always believe in the magic of Christmas.
And Jesus.
Tonight, Zach is all nestled in his bed and I sit and wonder how we will make it through this "recession" Christmas...I wonder, will he come this Christmas? Will He come this Christmas? I have been waiting a very long time but I don't think that I have believed in a very long time...
I will wait...I will wait with Zachary...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------The Nativity
Among the oxen (like an ox I'm slow)
I see a glory in the stable grow
Which, with the ox's dullness might at length
Give me an ox's strength.
Among the asses (stubborn I as they)
I see my Saviour where I looked for hay;
So may my beast like folly learn at least
The patience of a beast.
Among the sheep (I like a sheep have strayed)
I watch the manger where my Lord is laid;
Oh that my baa-ing nature would win thence
Some woolly innocence!
(Clive Staples) C. S. LewisInto The Wardrobe
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| Christmas Morning...He came! |
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